A new longitudinal study published in Personal Relationships finds that individuals who use pronouns like “we” and “us” when referring to life events that include their partner are more likely to report greater marital satisfaction over time. The use of “we-talk” did not affect the satisfaction of those hearing it, just those using the collective pronouns. These findings indicate that personal decisions to conceptualize oneself as part of a unified team when in a relationship increases satisfaction.
Researchers have long been interested in the differences between couples who use plural pronouns (e.g., us, we) to talk about life experiences and those who use singular pronouns. The habitual use of “we” rather than “I” for those in relationships are known as “we-talk.” We-talk represents a state of cognitive interdependence or “a mental state characterized by a pluralistic, collective representation of the self-in-relationship.”
Research has revealed that couples using “we-talk” when remembering past relationship events or experiencing shared stressors like a partner’s illness are more satisfied than those who use singular pronouns. A meta-analysis of 30 studies on the consequences of “we-talk” revealed that the practice had positive consequences for couples and individuals.
However, Catherine Ouellet-Courtois and colleagues noted that all but one of the studies included in the meta-analysis were cross-sectional. The research team recognized that a longitudinal sample may provide greater insight into the psychological consequences of “we-talk.”
The researchers recruited 77 heterosexual couples with at least one child they cared for full-time under the age of seven. Children were a prerequisite to participate as young children are known stressors in relationships. The research team was looking to discover if “we-talk” protected couples from the negative consequences of child-rearing.
Each couple was initially asked to rate their relationship satisfaction using the Dyadic Adjustment Scale. Then, in a laboratory setting, each partner was instructed to lead a marital discussion on “the most difficult aspect of raising young children and how it has impacted your relationship with your partner.”
They also discussed how they would like their partner to change established child-rearing practices. The conversation task the couples engaged in was converted to text and analyzed by a computer program looking for “we-talk.” Couples then retook the Dyadic Adjustment Scale six and twelve months later.
Partners who engaged in less “we-talk” tended to experience declining rates of marital satisfaction over time. But this decline was not found among those who engaged in higher levels of “we-talk.” However, a person’s “we-talk” did not appear to predict the marital satisfaction of their partner at six months or a year. In other words, “it is one’s own use of we-talk that is predictive of one’s own marital satisfaction over time,” the researchers explained.
Ouellet-Courtois and colleagues posit that when individuals use “we-talk,” it expands their sense of self to include their spouse, which “is not only associated with greater marital satisfaction over time, but also with greater relationship maintenance behaviors (e.g., willingness to sacrifice) and commitment (McIntyre, Mattingly, & Lewandowski, 2015).”
The research team acknowledges there were some limitations to their study. First, their couples were bilingual, and some discussion tasks were done in French and some in English. The discussions were analyzed in the same way regardless of language, but there may have been some nuanced differences that were missed due to culture or language use.
Second, the couples were all heterosexual; consequently, the study has limited generalizability. Finally, a study longer than one year may reveal changes to the use of “we-talk” and marital satisfaction, which is still unknown.
The study, “A longitudinal study of “we-talk” as a predictor of marital satisfaction“, was authored by Catherine Ouellet-Courtois, Catherine Gravel and Jean-Philippe Gouin
