Effort or fate? Sexual mindsets predict whether bedroom bliss spills over into broader wellbeing

Sexual satisfaction can color how people feel about their lives, but what we believe about sex and why we choose to have it may shape that link in subtle ways. A new study of adults in romantic relationships, published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy, suggests that people who see bedroom harmony as a matter of “natural chemistry” rather than joint effort are less likely to translate bedroom contentment into wider life contentment. It also finds that frequent sex predicts greater life satisfaction especially among those who agree to intimacy mainly to ward off a partner’s disappointment.

The research team set out to clarify two sets of ideas that have gathered attention in recent years. One concerns fundamental beliefs about relationships. Some individuals hold what the authors call “sexual destiny” beliefs—the view that satisfying intimacy depends mainly on picking a partner whose desires and preferences line up automatically. Others endorse “sexual growth” beliefs—the view that partners can cultivate a good sex life through communication and persistence.

The second set involves sexual goals. These goals are the motives people have when they choose to have sex. An approach goal involves seeking a positive outcome such as pleasure or closeness, while an avoidance goal involves preventing a negative outcome such as conflict.

Earlier work shows that sexual growth beliefs and approach goals often track with higher relationship quality, but much less was known about who is likely to hold these beliefs and goals, or how they play into broader wellbeing. The present study addresses those gaps and explores whether beliefs and goals change the way sexual satisfaction and sexual frequency relate to life satisfaction.

“I became intrigued by this topic after learning that the association between sexual frequency and wellbeing is inconsistent,” said study author Melanie A. Reyes, an experimental psychology Ph.D. candidate at Saint Louis University and an incoming visiting professor in the Department of Psychology at Southern Oregon University.

“In an experimental study, researchers recruited married couples and instructed half of them to double their frequency of sexual intercourse in the next three months. The other half of the couples were not given any instructions on sexual frequency. Surprisingly, compared to couples not given any instructions on sexual frequency, couples who were instructed to increase their sexual frequency did not experience increases in life satisfaction over time. The nuanced nature of the relationship between sexual activity and wellbeing is fascinating to me.”

The researchers recruited 185 U.S. adults through an online crowdsourcing platform. All participants had been with a romantic partner for at least six months and had engaged in partnered sex. Their average age was 40, ranging widely from young adulthood to later midlife. The sample was 57 percent women, predominantly White, and mostly heterosexual. About three-fifths were married and the rest were in committed dating relationships.

The participants completed a battery of validated questionnaires. These measured sexual destiny and sexual growth beliefs with 24 items crafted by earlier researchers, and assessed approach and avoidance sexual goals with nine items describing reasons one might choose to have sex. The survey also asked about sexual frequency, sexual satisfaction, perceived mismatches in sexual desire, positive and negative mood, relationship satisfaction, and overall life satisfaction. To guard against inattentive responding, the team embedded three attention-check items; anyone who missed one or more of these was dropped from analysis.

Average scores painted a picture of respondents who leaned toward a growth mindset. On the seven-point scales, the mean for sexual growth beliefs was nearly six, while the mean for destiny beliefs sat below four. Participants also rated partner-focused approach goals—for example, expressing love or deepening intimacy—as more influential than avoidance goals such as preventing conflict. Sexual activity was common: roughly half of the sample reported sex once a week or more, and only three people said it occurred rarely or not at all.

Interestingly, the researchers found that sexual destiny beliefs moderated the link between sexual satisfaction and life satisfaction. Among people who strongly believed in sexual destiny, there was no significant association between how satisfied they were with their sex life and how satisfied they were with their life overall. But among people who did not strongly believe in sexual destiny, sexual satisfaction was positively associated with life satisfaction.

What could account for this? The researchers suggest that when someone expects sex to be effortless, even a satisfying bedroom experience might not spill over into broader wellbeing because it is taken for granted. Only when satisfaction is seen as the product of shared effort might it carry emotional weight.

Gender and relationship context predicted differences in outlook. Men, on average, held stronger destiny beliefs than women, suggesting they may be more inclined to think compatibility is either present or not. Women in dating relationships, by contrast, endorsed sexual growth beliefs more strongly than their male counterparts.

“I found that men were more likely than women to endorse the view that sexual satisfaction is only possible with a naturally compatible sex partner,” Reyes told PsyPost. “Among participants in dating relationships, women were more likely than men to endorse the view that sexual satisfaction is achieved through effort rather than natural sexual compatibility. These results have implications for the orgasm gap, which demonstrates that heterosexual men are more likely to have an orgasm during partnered sex than heterosexual women.

“This orgasm gap is likely influenced by the male orgasm imperative, which is the tendency to view the male orgasm as the only desired outcome in a sexual encounter. The female orgasm may require more effort to achieve due to the male orgasm imperative, given that it may require deviating from sexual scripts, which may explain the finding that heterosexual women are more likely than heterosexual men to view sexual satisfaction as requiring effort. It would be worthwhile for heterosexual men and people in general to keep in mind that a satisfying sexual relationship requires effort, as this mindset is associated with the best sexual outcomes.”

When the researchers looked at motives for intimacy, they found that women in dating relationships placed greater importance on partner-focused approach goals than men did, whereas married participants—regardless of gender—gave more weight to avoidance goals than those who were dating.

“I found that people in marital relationships reported avoidance sexual goals as more important in influencing their decision to have sex with their partner than people in dating relationships,” Reyes explained. “When people have sex for an avoidance goal, they are having sex to avoid a negative outcome, such as partner disappointment or anger. Sexual desire tends to decline over time, which may explain this finding. Having sex with your partner to primarily avoid a negative outcome is detrimental though, so it would be worthwhile for couples who have been together for a long time to be mindful towards maintaining sexual desire levels high.”

Perceived mismatches in desire added another layer. Participants who felt their own sexual desire differed from their partner’s endorsed higher growth beliefs and lower destiny beliefs than those who saw their desire levels as aligned. For couples facing uneven desire, the idea that effort matters may become more salient, while the notion of effortless chemistry loses its charm.

The researchers also found that participants who reported frequent experiences of negative emotions—feelings such as sadness, anxiety, or disappointment—were the only group who seemed to gain a lift in life satisfaction from having sex more often. When negative affect was high, a higher sexual frequency predicted higher life satisfaction. But when negative affect was low, the same link was not present. A parallel pattern appeared for avoidance-focused sexual goals.

“It was surprising that at low levels of negative affect, there was a non-significant association between sexual frequency and life satisfaction, and at high levels of negative affect, there was a significant positive association between sexual frequency and life satisfaction,” Reyes told PsyPost.

“Avoidance sexual goals had the same moderation effect, which suggests that people who tend to experience negative emotions may benefit from frequent sex. I was not expecting these findings because people who tend to experience positive emotions and people who have sex to achieve a positive outcome are more likely to pay attention to positive cues during sex.”

“To address the alternative explanation that perhaps people high in avoidance goals are happier from frequent sex because their goals aimed at avoiding negative outcomes are being met by frequent sex, I conducted moderation analyses testing whether avoidance goals and negative affect moderate an association between sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction, and it was also surprising that I did not find support for significant moderation effects in those analyses.”

Although the study identified several significant patterns, it also had limitations. The data were collected at one point in time and were self-reported, which makes it difficult to draw conclusions about cause and effect. Participants may not have accurately remembered or reported their experiences, and their answers could have been influenced by social desirability. In addition, the sample was not very diverse, with most participants identifying as White and heterosexual, and the majority being in monogamous relationships.

Future research could benefit from more diverse samples and longitudinal designs that track sexual beliefs, goals, and wellbeing over time. It would also be valuable to explore these dynamics in non-monogamous or queer relationships, where different patterns might emerge. Dyadic research—where both members of a couple participate—could help clarify how mismatches or alignments in beliefs and goals affect outcomes.

“I would love to conduct a study in which I track sexual goals, sexual frequency, and wellbeing over time and longitudinally test whether people who tend to experience negative emotions experience boosts in wellbeing if they have frequent sex with their partner,” Reyes said. “Such a study would strengthen the conclusions made in this study.”

The study, “Sexual beliefs and sexual goals are associated with gender, relationship characteristics, and life satisfaction,” was authored by Melanie A. Reyes and Eddie M. Clark.