New research suggests that conflicts over finances in romantic relationships are not merely about the money itself but often reflect deeper issues of responsibility, fairness, and differing values. By analyzing posts on Reddit and survey data from married individuals, researchers discovered that while disagreements over everyday expenses might strengthen communication and relationship satisfaction, conflicts centered on fairness and irresponsibility often lead to dissatisfaction. The findings have been published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
The necessity of this research stems from a simple observation: money matters in relationships, often in complex and profound ways. Previous research has laid the groundwork, indicating that while not the most frequent point of contention, financial disagreements are among the most severe, linked to heightened stress and, alarmingly, a higher likelihood of divorce.
In two studies, the researchers sought to explore the underbrush of financial conflict, identifying the specific themes that recur in couples’ financial disagreements, and connecting these with broader patterns of relationship health and financial harmony.
“We were interested to learn more about what the topic of financial conflicts was because there’s so many possibilities and we did not find any answers to this question in the existing research,” said study author Johanna Peetz, a full professor of psychology at Carleton University.
In the first study, the researchers targeted a unique and rich source of data: posts from the r/relationships forum on Reddit, a platform where individuals often turn to seek advice or share their relationship dilemmas. This approach allowed for the collection of spontaneous, real-world accounts of financial conflicts.
To collect this data systematically, the researchers developed a Python script connected to the Reddit API to specifically harvest posts containing keywords related to “money” or “finance.” This search was bounded within the timeline of January 1, 2021, to December 31, 2021, ensuring the data reflected a contemporary snapshot of financial conflicts. Only posts that garnered significant engagement, indicated by a minimum of 10 comments, were considered.
After the initial retrieval of 3,488 posts, the researchers further screened these to focus on 1,014 posts that directly related to current romantic relationships and financial conflicts. A thematic analysis of the posts identified eight key themes:
- Perceived Irresponsibility: This theme emerged as the most prevalent, highlighting instances where one partner’s financial behavior is viewed as careless or lacking foresight. It includes subthemes such as lack of planning for the future, impulse purchases, inadequate saving, and incurring unnecessary debt. This theme reflects deep-seated concerns about a partner’s judgment and their commitment to shared financial goals, indicating that financial irresponsibility is often perceived as a betrayal of trust within the relationship.
- One-sided Decisions: Reflecting conflicts that arise from decisions made unilaterally, this theme encompasses situations where one partner feels excluded from financial planning or decision-making. It includes hiding or lying about expenses, making significant purchases without consultation, and engaging in financial behaviors (such as gambling or spending on addictions) that impact the couple’s finances without mutual agreement. This theme underscores the importance of transparency and joint decision-making in maintaining financial harmony.
- Different Financial Values: Highlighting disagreements stemming from fundamental differences in financial priorities and beliefs, this theme includes conflicts over spending habits, savings goals, and the overall importance of money. It captures the friction that arises when partners have mismatched views on financial management, reflecting broader issues of compatibility and shared life goals.
- Job or Income Issues: Focusing on conflicts related to employment and income disparity, this theme includes concerns about job loss, income inequality within the partnership, and the impact of one partner’s career decisions on the household’s financial stability. It illustrates how external economic pressures and individual career paths can become sources of internal conflict within relationships.
- Exceptional Expenses: This theme encompasses disagreements over significant, often one-time, financial outlays, such as those for home purchases, car acquisitions, or handling windfalls. It reveals the challenges couples face in aligning their approaches to handling large sums of money, whether expected or unexpected, and the tension that can arise from differing opinions on allocation and spending priorities.
- Terms of Financial Arrangement: Covering conflicts about the structural aspects of managing finances within a relationship, this theme includes debates over joint versus separate accounts, the specifics of lending/borrowing money between partners, and agreements on financial support for family members. It highlights the logistical and emotional complexities of integrating individual financial lives into a cohesive partnership.
- Who Pays?: Reflecting disputes over the division of day-to-day or significant financial responsibilities, this theme includes conflicts about contributing to rent/mortgage, handling joint expenses, and the fairness of financial contributions relative to income. It underscores the significance of perceived equity and fairness in the distribution of financial burdens within a relationship.
- Relative Contributions: This theme captures disagreements that revolve around perceptions of fairness in the overall contribution (financial and otherwise) of each partner to the relationship. It includes conflicts about the balance between financial inputs and other forms of contribution, such as household labor or caregiving responsibilities, highlighting the broader negotiations of reciprocity and fairness in partnerships.
“Some of the topics we identified in Reddit posts were surprising,” Peetz said. “For example people were fighting or unhappy about their partner spending too much on gifts for them. Their partners likely had good intentions but it still contributed to unhappiness.”
Study 2 sought to complement and deepen the insights gained from Study 1 by focusing on everyday financial conflicts experienced by married individuals. Participants for Study 2 were recruited through Amazon Mechanical Turk (MTurk), an online platform that provides access to a diverse pool of respondents. The final sample included 481 individuals.
Once recruited, participants were asked to complete a survey that included both quantitative and qualitative components. The quantitative section assessed demographic information and relationship satisfaction using standardized measures.
The qualitative section, however, was where the core of Study 2’s methodology lay: participants were prompted to recall and describe a recent financial disagreement with their partner. This open-ended question aimed to capture the spontaneous, authentic nature of everyday financial conflicts.
A thematic analysis of the disagreements identified seven key themes:
- Relative Contributions: This theme delves into disagreements concerning how partners contribute financially to the relationship, including debates over splitting bills, the fairness of contributions relative to income, and expectations around gift-giving. It highlights the tension between partners when there’s a perceived imbalance in financial contributions or when the division of expenses doesn’t align with each partner’s expectations or financial capacity.
- Job and Income: Focusing on conflicts that emerge from employment and income-related issues, this theme encompasses disagreements about job loss, reductions in work hours, and the implications of income disparity on the couple’s financial dynamics. It underscores how external factors such as job security and income levels can strain a relationship, especially when they lead to financial instability or challenge the couple’s financial plans.
- Different Values: This theme captures conflicts arising from fundamental differences in how partners view and prioritize finances. It includes disputes over financial support to family members and divergences in spending habits or financial goals. The presence of this theme suggests that mismatches in financial values and priorities can lead to friction, highlighting the importance of alignment in financial philosophies for relationship harmony.
- Exceptional Expenses: Here, the focus is on disagreements related to significant, often one-time, financial decisions, such as those concerning housing, major purchases, travel, or vacation planning, and handling unexpected expenses. This theme reflects the challenges couples face when making substantial financial commitments, particularly when their preferences or priorities regarding these expenditures diverge.
- Mundane Expenses: This theme revolves around day-to-day financial disagreements, including disputes over children’s expenses, car-related costs, and home improvements. It highlights the frequency with which couples encounter conflicts in managing routine expenses, suggesting that even minor financial decisions can become sources of contention.
- Money Management: Encompassing disagreements about broader financial strategies, this theme includes conflicts over investments, future planning, and budgeting. It illustrates the tension that arises when partners disagree on how to manage their finances, plan for the future, or adhere to a budget, pointing to the significance of collaborative financial management practices.
- Perceived Irresponsibility: The most prevalent theme, perceived irresponsibility, involves disputes stemming from one partner’s financial behaviors that the other views as reckless or imprudent. This includes arguments over personal spending, impulse buying, inadequate saving, and incurring debt. This theme highlights the detrimental impact of perceived financial irresponsibility on trust and mutual respect within the relationship.
Interestingly, disagreements about mundane expenses were associated with positive relationship outcomes. This suggests that navigating through everyday financial decisions together might foster stronger communication and partnership, as it encourages couples to engage in continuous dialogue, negotiation, and compromise. Regularly addressing small financial matters may prevent the accumulation of unresolved issues, thereby enhancing overall relationship health.
“Fighting with your partner about finances is not always bad for the relationship. Fighting – or discussing – mundane everyday financial decisions can even promote relationship functioning. But fighting about themes of irresponsibility and unfairness tend to be associated with lower relationship satisfaction,” Peetz explained.
The overlapping themes between social media users and married couples emphasize recurring issues like fairness, responsibility, and differing values, indicating these concerns are widespread across different relationship contexts. Practically, this research suggests that recognizing and addressing financial disagreements early on, and maintaining open communication about daily financial decisions, could foster healthier relationships.
However, the has some caveats, such as the potential bias introduced by the method of data collection and the specific demographics of the participants, which may not fully represent the diversity of experiences in the broader population.
“There are likely more topics than we identified in our research,” Peetz explained. “People who post on Reddit are often at their wits’ end, seeking advice from online strangers. The financial issues they described are likely more extreme than the usual discussions around finances among couples.”
Regarding future research, Peetz said that she is “interested in identifying ways that financial discussions with a partner can help individuals thrive – both within their relationship and in their financial situation.”
The study, “When couples fight about money, what do they fight about?“, was authored by Johanna Peetz, Zoe Meloff, and Courtney Royle.
