The ups and downs of open relationships: New research on consensual non-monogamy

A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior has discovered that people in consensually nonmonogamous relationships experience both challenges and rewards from their partners’ other romantic relationships. While some struggle with jealousy and time constraints, many report emotional growth, deeper connections, and even friendships with their partners’ other partners.

Unlike traditional monogamy, where exclusivity is expected, consensual nonmonogamy allows for multiple romantic or sexual relationships with everyone’s consent. While this structure challenges societal norms, it has been growing in visibility.

Researchers Jennifer Arter and Sacha S. Bunge aimed to better understand both the costs and benefits of being in a consensual nonmonogamy relationship.

The study involved 51 adults, with an average age of 37 years old, who had experience in consensual nonmonogamy relationships (3 to 50 years). Participants were recruited through word-of-mouth and snowball sampling within consensual nonmonogamy communities. They took part in interviews that lasted between 48 and 109 minutes, in which they discussed their experiences, feelings, and interactions with metamours.

The researchers analyzed the interviews using a qualitative method called reflexive thematic analysis, which allowed them to identify patterns in the responses. Overall, nearly all participants were found to have experienced both positive and negative effects from their partners’ other relationships.

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Many participants reported struggling with difficult emotions such as jealousy and insecurity. They often worried that their partner’s other relationship was more fulfilling, or that their metamour was more attractive or interesting than them.

Several participants expressed frustration over having less time with their partner due to their other relationships. Some felt left out when their partner and metamour engaged in activities they wanted to be part of.

In some cases, a partner’s other relationship led to tension or even changes in the primary relationship. Some participants found themselves offering emotional support when their partner experienced difficulties with a metamour, which could become emotionally exhausting over time.

Difficulties related to metamour interactions were also reported, where several participants had negative experiences with metamours, describing difficulties in communication, differences in values, or even outright hostility.

However, many participants reported experiencing “compersion”- a feeling of happiness when seeing their partner enjoy another relationship. For some, this joy was general, coming from their partner’s overall well-being. Others described a more personal sense of pleasure when hearing about or witnessing their partner’s interactions with a metamour.

Several participants noted that their partners’ other relationships had unexpected benefits for their own relationships. When a partner was fulfilled by another relationship, they often brought that positive energy back into their existing relationship.

Other participants found that consensual non-monogamy allowed them to focus more on their personal interests. When their partner spent time with someone else, they had opportunities for solitude, hobbies, or other social connections.

Finally, many participants also reported forming meaningful friendships or support networks with their metamours.

The authors noted one striking conclusion from their results: “the costs … and benefits can be broken down into pairs that appear to be, in a general sense, mirror images. Thus, feelings about sharing partners could be painful (e.g., jealousy) or pleasurable (i.e., compersion); one could “miss out” on time/activities with a partner or could benefit from partners getting needs met in other relationships [etc.]”.

While the study provides valuable insights, the researchers note some limitations. For instance, the participants were mostly individuals who actively interact with their metamours, so their experiences may not reflect those of people who prefer to keep their relationships more separate.

The study, “Perceived Impacts of Partners’ Other Relationships on Oneself in Consensual Nonmonogamy,” was authored by Jennifer Arter and Sacha S. Bunge.