People interested in bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) are often afraid to disclose their kinky sexual proclivities. An exploratory study that interviewed 20 adults found that while BDSM was often central to their sex life, “coming out” to partners, families, friends, and co-workers was a situation fraught with stress and anxiety.
“Young people whose sexualities involve BDSM interests currently do not receive many of the reassurances or support offered to other sexual minorities. If they learn about BDSM via a stigmatizing environment, they are at risk of developing shame and isolation. If they learn about it through pop culture, it may be a shallow or stigmatizing understanding,” according to Tanya Bezreh and her colleagues, whose study was published in the American Journal of Sexuality Education.
“If they act on certain interests without good information, they may be doing dangerous things without proper safety precautions,” the researchers continued. “Once they identify with BDSM, they are confronted with myriad disclosure decisions, each fraught with potential for connection and each with a potential of judgment and stigma.”
Thirteen of the participants told researchers they developed an interest in BDSM by the age of 15, while the other seven reported that awareness by age 10.
“When I was probably 8 or so I remember one summer playing Roman master and slave with my brother,” one woman recalled. “I only remember playing it once, actually. I think I was really getting into it and sort of scared myself. Because, you know, slaves and masters are very, very bad things and I was really enjoying being the master and that … started to bother me.”
Few of the participants said they felt a need to “come out” to their parents. Of the five people who did disclose their interests to their parents, three disclosed on principle, one was directly asked, and another believed her mother already knew but was not certain. The parent’s reactions varied from concerned to baffled.
One woman was “outed” by her counselor when she was 11 years old.
“I talked to her about it and then regretted it because I came back and I went into my room and a lot of the pictures [for example of pop star Trent Reznor of the band Nine Inch Nails in bondage] were taken off the wall. And I turned to my dad, like, ‘Where did a lot of my posters go?’ And he goes, ‘You know why you can’t have them. And I’m not going to explain it to you,'” the woman explained to the researchers.
Disclosing their interest in BDSM was another area fraught with complexities. Some of the participants said they tried to ease their partner into it by disclosing their interests over the computer, using humor, or sneaking BDSM into sex playfully, Tanya Bezreh and her colleagues said. Many participants said potential partners rejected them after learning about their interests.
To avoid these complexities, some participants said they solely dated within BDSM-identified circles.
All of the participants said they felt BDSM was stigmatized. They also said they feared their interests being inadvertently revealed at work.
“I have security clearance that I have to maintain. So, there’s some vague concern there in the sense that I wouldn’t necessarily want my personal business coming out at work, because it could potentially jeopardize my career. But I’m not really sure that it could or not. It’s not really something you can go ask,” one participant explained.
One participant said a neighbor even notified social services about his BDSM activities.
“While individual experiences varied widely, the data show the stigma around BDSM manifesting in negative framing of BDSM, invisibility and marginalization of BDSM, and taboos regarding speaking about BDSM,” Tanya Bezreh and her colleagues wrote.
Though the researchers don’t think disclosure of BDSM interests is analogous to “coming out” about homosexuality, they do believe some people “might benefit greatly from ‘coming out’ language and concepts” developed by the LGBT community.