Encouraging parents to plan sex leads to more frequent intimacy and higher desire

A new study suggests that changing how parents perceive scheduled intimacy can lead to tangible improvements in their sex lives. The findings indicate that encouraging parents of young children to view planned sex as a positive strategy results in more frequent sexual activity and higher levels of desire. This research was published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Many people in Western cultures hold the belief that sexual intimacy is most satisfying when it occurs spontaneously. This cultural narrative often frames scheduled sex as unromantic or a sign that a relationship has lost its spark. However, this ideal of spontaneity can become a source of frustration for couples navigating the transition to parenthood.

New parents frequently face significant barriers to intimacy, including sleep deprivation, physical recovery from childbirth, and the time-consuming demands of childcare. These factors often lead to a decline in sexual frequency and satisfaction during the early years of child-rearing. When couples wait for the perfect spontaneous moment to arise, they may find that it rarely happens.

The authors of the new study, led by Katarina Kovacevic of York University, sought to challenge the prevailing view that spontaneity is superior to planning. They hypothesized that the negative association with planned sex might stem from beliefs rather than the act of planning itself. They proposed that if parents could be encouraged to see planning as a way to prioritize their relationship, they might engage in it more often and enjoy it more.

To test this hypothesis, the researchers conducted two separate investigations. The first was a pilot study designed to determine if reading a brief educational article could successfully shift people’s attitudes. The team recruited 215 individuals who were in a relationship and had at least one child between the ages of three months and five years.

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Participants in this pilot phase were randomly assigned to one of two groups. The experimental group read a summary of research highlighting the benefits of planning sex for maintaining a healthy relationship. The control group read a summary stating that researchers are unsure whether planned or spontaneous sex is more satisfying.

The results of the pilot study showed that the manipulation worked. Participants who read the article promoting planned sex reported stronger beliefs in the value of scheduling intimacy compared to the control group. They also reported higher expectations for their sexual satisfaction in the coming weeks.

Following the success of the pilot, the researchers launched the main study with a larger sample of 514 parents. These participants were recruited online and resided in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Australia, and New Zealand. All participants were in romantic relationships and had young children living at home.

The procedure for the main study mirrored the pilot but included a longer follow-up period. At the start of the study, participants completed surveys measuring their baseline sexual desire, distress, and beliefs about spontaneity. They were then randomized to read either the article extolling the virtues of planned sex or the neutral control article.

One week after reading the assigned material, participants received a “booster” email. This message summarized the key points of the article they had read to reinforce the information. Two weeks after the start of the study, participants completed a final survey detailing their sexual behaviors and feelings over the previous fortnight.

The researchers measured several outcomes, including how often couples had sex and how much of that sex was planned. They also assessed sexual satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, and feelings of sexual desire. To gauge potential downsides, they asked participants if they felt distressed about their sex life or obligated to engage in sexual activity.

The researchers that the intervention had a significant impact on behavior. Participants who were encouraged to value planned sex reported engaging in more frequent sexual activity overall. In fact, the experimental group reported having approximately 28 percent more sex than the control group over the two-week period.

“From previous research we know that most people idealize spontaneous sex, but that doesn’t necessarily correlate with actual sexual satisfaction,” explained Kovacevic, a registered psychotherapist. “For this study, we wanted to see if we could shift people’s beliefs about planning sex so they could see the benefits, which they did.”

In addition to increased frequency, the experimental group reported higher levels of sexual desire compared to the control group. This suggests that the act of planning or thinking about sex intentionally did not dampen arousal but rather enhanced it. The researchers posit that planning may allow for anticipation to build, which can fuel desire.

A common concern about scheduling sex is that it might feel like a chore or an obligation. The study provided evidence to the contrary. Among participants who engaged in sex during the study, those in the planning group reported feeling less obligated to do so than those in the control group.

The researchers also identified a protective effect regarding satisfaction. Generally, people tend to report lower satisfaction when they perceive a sexual encounter as planned rather than spontaneous. This pattern held true for the control group. When control participants had planned sex, they reported lower sexual satisfaction and higher sexual distress.

However, the experimental group did not experience this decline. The intervention appeared to buffer them against the typical dissatisfaction associated with non-spontaneous sex. When participants in the experimental group engaged in planned sex, their satisfaction levels remained high.

Furthermore, for the experimental group, engaging in planned sex was associated with greater relationship satisfaction. This link was not present in the control group. This suggests that once people view planning as a valid tool for connection, acting on that belief enhances their overall view of the relationship.

The researchers also analyzed open-ended responses from participants to understand their experiences better. Many participants in the experimental group noted that the information helped them coordinate intimacy amidst their busy lives. They described planning as a way to ensure connection happened despite exhaustion and conflicting schedules.

Some participants mentioned that planning allowed them to mentally prepare for intimacy. This preparation helped them shift from “parent mode” to “partner mode,” making the experience more enjoyable. Others highlighted that discussing sex ahead of time improved their communication and reduced anxiety about when intimacy might occur.

Despite the positive outcomes, the study has some limitations. The research relied on self-reported data collected through online surveys. This method depends on the honesty and accurate memory of the participants.

Additionally, the sample was relatively homogenous. The majority of participants were white, heterosexual, and in monogamous relationships. It is unclear if these findings would apply equally to LGBTQ+ couples, those in non-monogamous relationships, or individuals from different cultural backgrounds where attitudes toward sex and scheduling might differ.

The intervention period was also brief, lasting only two weeks. While the short-term results are promising, the study cannot determine if the shift in beliefs and behaviors would be sustained over months or years. It is possible that the novelty of the intervention wore off after the study concluded.

Future research could explore the long-term effects of such interventions. It would also be beneficial to investigate whether this approach helps couples facing other types of challenges. For instance, couples dealing with sexual dysfunction or chronic health issues might also benefit from reframing their views on planned intimacy.

The study, “Can Shifting Beliefs About Planned Sex Lead to Engaging in More Frequent Sex and Higher Desire and Satisfaction? An Experimental Study of Parents with Young Children,” was authored by Katarina Kovacevic, Olivia Smith, Danielle Fitzpatrick, Natalie O. Rosen, Jonathan Huber, and Amy Muise.