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People end intimate relationships for countless reasons, and a new study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences sheds light on how this is done. The researchers identified three broad strategies and 45 distinct ways that people try to break up with their partners. They found that most people try to do so gently, explaining their reasons and hoping for an amicable separation, while only a few disappear abruptly or end the relationship through indirect means.
Although many studies have examined why people break up, few have looked closely at how breakups happen, especially within the context of a specific culture. The researchers aimed to fill this gap by focusing on people in Greece. They also wanted to understand if certain personality traits influenced the strategies people used to end relationships, with a special focus on traits like agreeableness and a set of less well-regarded characteristics known as the Dark Triad: psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and narcissism.
“Most people will experience the end of an intimate relationship (usually several times), with either themselves or their partners initiating it. Because this phenomenon is relatively common and painful, I was motivated to ask how people actually do so, which the current research aimed to address,” said study author Menelaos Apostolou, a professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Nicosia.
The researchers conducted two studies. In the first, 228 Greek-speaking adults (122 women and 105 men) were asked to imagine themselves in an unhappy relationship and write down how they would end it. The participants came from a range of ages, averaging about 30 years old for women and 31 years old for men. The researchers then reviewed the participants’ responses, grouped similar answers together, and ended up with 45 distinct ways people might break up with a partner.
The second study involved 392 participants (185 women, 201 men, two identifying as ‘other’, and four choosing not to specify) with an average age of roughly 34 for women and 38 for men. These participants were asked how likely they were to use each of the 45 breakup methods. To measure their personalities, participants also completed questionnaires assessing traits associated with the Big Five theory — openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism — as well as Dark Triad traits.
The researchers grouped the 45 breakup methods into nine strategies. These included approaches like “cold and distant” (gradually pulling away), “explain the reasons” (offering a direct and honest conversation), “ghosting” (disappearing with no notice), “take the blame” (ending the relationship while accepting responsibility), “have been unfaithful” (citing infidelity or interest in someone else), “take some time off” (requesting a break), “see you as a friend” (offering friendship), “we’d be better off apart” (explaining that separation is best), and “avoid ending it face to face” (using a phone call or text).
The researchers then discovered that these nine approaches fit into three broader strategies.
The first and most popular approach was “soften the blow,” used by roughly 86 percent of people surveyed. This method combined acts like explaining the reasons for the breakup, accepting some or all of the blame, and trying to convince the partner that separating would benefit both people.
The second approach was “take a break,” used by about 24 percent of people. Here, the person ending the relationship suggests a temporary separation, allowing both parties to assess their feelings and decide if the relationship should continue.
The least common approach was “avoid confrontation,” used by roughly 16 percent of people, in which someone disappears or becomes distant until the relationship quietly ends.
“People employ three main strategies to end an intimate relationship,” Apostolou told PsyPost. “The most preferred one is ‘Soften the blow,’ involving explaining the breakup reasons, taking responsibility, and convincing the partner that separation is beneficial for both. The second most preferred one is ‘Take a break,’ where individuals express a desire for a temporary separation to reassess feelings. ‘Avoid confrontation,’ involving gradually fading away or disappearing without explanation, is the least preferred strategy.”
The researchers also examined how these strategies connected to the participants’ personality traits. They found only a few significant connections. Individuals higher in agreeableness, a trait associated with kindness and consideration for others, were less likely to use the “cold and distant” approach.
Conversely, those with higher levels of Machiavellianism, associated with manipulativeness, were more inclined to use this approach. Meanwhile, participants with higher levels of psychopathy, a trait linked with impulsivity and a lack of empathy, were more prone to blame their partner for the breakup. In general, personality characteristics had little bearing on which strategies people used.
The researchers concluded that, regardless of sex, age, or most personality traits, people tend to adopt fairly predictable ways of ending relationships. “I was expecting to find more pronounced sex, age, and personality differences in people’s willingness to use each of the identified strategies, but these differences were very small or inexistent,” Apostolou said.
The results also hint at the role of social norms and evolved behavior. Humans have long depended on intimate connections for survival and reproduction, making breakups potentially dangerous in the ancestral environment. By employing strategies that reduce conflict, individuals might have improved their long-term prospects for finding a new partner and maintaining their social reputation.
Although the study provides a thorough examination of how people end relationships, it has some limitations. All the participants were Greek-speaking, making it unclear if these findings apply to other cultures. The data also came from self-reports, which can be influenced by memory or a desire to present oneself in a certain way. The sample was recruited online, making it challenging to generalize the results to the wider population. Additionally, the study only focused on how people say they would end relationships, not what they actually do.
“The phenomenon is complex,” Apostolou noted. “A single piece of research gives only a general idea about how people end an intimate relationship.”
Future research could investigate how these strategies work in practice and whether certain approaches lead to better outcomes for both partners. It might also be worth exploring how other factors, such as attachment styles or cultural background, shape the ways people end relationships. Understanding these dynamics could help counselors and therapists guide clients through breakups in ways that minimize harm, especially when children are involved or when future interaction is unavoidable.
“My ultimate objective is to understand how intimate relationships work,” Apostolou explained. “An important step in this direction is to understand the interactions between intimate partners, and the present research falls within this objective.”
The study, “Soften the blow, avoid confrontation, take a break: Three strategies that people use to terminate an intimate relationship,” was authored by Menelaos Apostolou and Antonios Kagialis.
