In the hustle and bustle of family life, expressing gratitude is often touted as a key ingredient for happiness. However, it’s not just about showing appreciation—feeling appreciated is also important. A new study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology has found that feeling valued by your spouse or children is associated with better mental health, improved relationship quality, and a more positive parenting experience.
The study, led by Allen W. Barton, an assistant professor at the University of Illinois, builds on previous research that has highlighted the benefits of perceived gratitude in romantic relationships. Barton and his team set out to see if these benefits extend beyond couples to include parent-child relationships.
Gratitude is often discussed in the context of individual well-being, with numerous studies showing that people who regularly practice gratitude are generally happier and less stressed. However, gratitude also plays a crucial role in our interactions with others, particularly within families. Most of the existing research has focused on gratitude between romantic partners, showing that when individuals feel appreciated by their partners, they are more satisfied, committed, and less worried about relationship instability.
But families are more than just couples—they include children, and the dynamics between parents and children are also essential for family well-being. Barton wanted to explore whether the positive effects of perceived gratitude seen in romantic relationships also apply to parent-child relationships. If parents feel appreciated by their children, does it enhance their parenting experience? Can it reduce stress and improve their overall mental health? These were the questions that Barton and his team aimed to answer.
“There has been a lot of interest in gratitude (in research and general culture), but mostly about the importance of being grateful,” Barton explained. “I’ve done multiple studies that highlighted in marriage and romantic relationships the importance of feeling appreciated (i.e., perceiving gratitude from one’s partner). This study was to explore feeling appreciated in the broader family context, between spouses as well as parents and children.”
To explore this, Barton and his colleagues conducted an online survey of 593 parents from across the United States. The participants were all adults aged between 24 and 75, with at least one child between the ages of 4 and 17. The sample was diverse, with the majority being married and identifying as White, but also including individuals who identified as Black, Asian, and other racial or ethnic backgrounds.
Participants were asked a series of questions designed to measure how often they felt appreciated by their romantic partners and their children. For romantic partners, the questions included items like “Does your partner express appreciation for the things you do?” and “Does your partner acknowledge when you do something nice for them?” For children, the questions were similar, with adjustments for age. Parents were asked to report separately on perceived gratitude from children aged 4 to 12 and from those aged 13 to 18.
In addition to measuring perceived gratitude, the survey also assessed participants’ psychological distress, parenting stress, and relationship satisfaction. Psychological distress was measured by asking how often participants felt nervous, hopeless, or depressed over the past month. Parenting stress was measured with questions about how often parents felt overwhelmed by their responsibilities, and relationship satisfaction was assessed with questions about how happy participants were in their romantic relationships.
Barton and his team found that parents who felt more appreciated by their romantic partners reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction and lower levels of psychological distress. This finding is consistent with previous research on couples, reinforcing the idea that feeling appreciated by your partner is essential for a healthy and satisfying relationship.
When it came to parent-child relationships, the researchers found that perceived gratitude from children was associated with lower levels of parenting stress. Interestingly, this effect was more pronounced when the gratitude came from older children (ages 13 to 18) compared to younger children (ages 4 to 12).
Barton suggests that this difference may be due to the developmental stage of the children. Older children are more capable of understanding and expressing gratitude in meaningful ways, and when parents receive these expressions of appreciation, it can have a significant impact on their stress levels.
Perceived gratitude from older children was also linked to lower levels of psychological distress in parents. This suggests that when parents feel appreciated by their older children, it not only reduces their stress but also contributes to their overall mental well-being. However, this effect was not observed with younger children, possibly because parents do not expect the same level of gratitude from younger children, and therefore, the absence of it does not affect them as much.
The study also uncovered some interesting differences based on the sex of the parent. Women, in particular, reported feeling less appreciated by both their romantic partners and their older children compared to men. However, when women did feel appreciated by their children, it had a more substantial positive impact on their relationship satisfaction and parenting stress levels than it did for men. This finding highlights the potential differences in how men and women experience and respond to gratitude within the family.
“We all want strong, lasting family relationships, whether it is with our spouse, children, or other family members,” Barton told PsyPost. “As we think about the different aspects for actually making this desire a reality for our families, there is an increasing amount of research to suggest that gratitude is one important piece to that puzzle. Seek to build a family environment where spouses, children, and parents express sincere, frequent comments of appreciation to each other, whether it is for actions that benefit that person or the broader family. This is much easier said than done, but appears to be something that is worth the effort.”
“If you are a parent, you can work with your kids to make sure they are expressing and showing appreciation for the efforts others do from them — this could be to the other parent, another sibling or family member, or yourself. In marriage or dating relationships, make a point to ask your spouse or partner if they feel unappreciated (or underappreciated) in any areas and what you can do in response — and seek to calmly share areas where you feel unappreciated as well. Remember that you are a team and strive to be teammates that encourage each other. It takes a lot of work to make ‘family’ happen, and when individuals’ efforts go ignored, it can make things all the more challenging.”
As with all research, there are some caveats to consider. First, the study relied on self-reported data from a single point in time, which means it cannot establish cause and effect. Future research could benefit from tracking perceived gratitude and its effects over a longer period to see how these dynamics play out over time.
Another limitation is that the study focused solely on perceived gratitude—that is, how much participants felt appreciated by others. It did not measure how much gratitude they themselves expressed to their partners or children. Previous research suggests that there can be a disconnect between how much gratitude is expressed and how much is perceived, so it would be valuable to explore this in future studies.
Nevertheless, the findings suggest that fostering a culture of gratitude can have profound benefits for the entire family.
“As someone who studies family-based prevention programming, I am always trying to find research-based ways to build strong families, and expressing gratitude appears as one important means of doing that,” Barton stated. “There’s a lot of work that goes into making ‘family’ happen — parenting, marriage, couple relationships, and so on — for any and every family. And when those efforts go unacknowledged or underappreciated, it takes a toll on individuals and families. We know the power of thank you for couples, and this research shows it also matters for parent-child relationships.”
The study, “A ‘Thank You’ really would be nice: Perceived gratitude in family relationships,” was authored by Allen W. Barton and Qiujie Gong.
