The quality of feeling seen and recognized by others plays a pivotal role in how satisfied we are in our connections with them, according to new research published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. These findings hold profound implications for understanding what fosters satisfaction in relationships. They suggest that efforts to deepen mutual understanding and empathy could be more beneficial if focused on ensuring individuals feel known and understood by their partners.
The desire to form deep, meaningful relationships is a fundamental human trait. Prior studies have underscored the importance of mutual understanding and knowledge exchange in strengthening these bonds.
For instance, the “Fast Friends” protocol illustrates how reciprocal sharing of personal information can rapidly enhance closeness between individuals. Despite this understanding, a pivotal question remains: Is knowing someone more crucial for relationship satisfaction, or is being known by them the key?
“In an earlier paper with my co-author Ayelet Fishbach, we found evidence that patients focus relatively more on their physicians’ traits that are relevant to their own healthcare (e.g., physicians’ competence) and less on traits that are irrelevant to them (e.g., physicians’ personal needs),” said study author Juliana Schroeder, the Harold Furst Chair in Management Philosophy and Values Professor at the UC Berkeley Haas School of Business.
“We theorized that, in instrumental relationships in which one person needs another person to fulfill their goals (e.g., patients and physicians), people might actually prefer a relationship partner who focuses mostly on them rather than a more symmetric relationship (mutual focus). We called this the ’empty vessel’ hypothesis.”
“After this paper was published, we speculated that maybe people even have such preferences for their closer, non-instrumental relationship partners. This is obviously a provocative idea because people would probably not explicitly admit to wanting relationship partners to focus primarily on them.
“So to test this idea in a more subtle way, we examined whether people would feel greater relationship satisfaction when they felt more known by a partner than felt that they knew the partner,” Schroeder explained. “I was pretty surprised by how consistently we observed that feeling known was a bigger predictor of satisfaction than (the feeling of) knowing. We found this result in almost every relationship we tested.”
The research specifically distinguished between two types of subjective knowledge: “feeling known” (how well individuals believe their partner knows them) and “felt knowing” (how well they believe they know their partner). Spanning seven distinct studies with a total of 2,036 participants, the research examined these dynamics across various relationship types, including familial, romantic, and platonic connections. The researchers employed a combination of correlational and experimental designs.
In the correlational studies, participants were asked to reflect on their existing relationships with siblings, parents, romantic partners, and friends. They reported their perceptions of feeling known and felt knowing through detailed questionnaires, which included items measuring their satisfaction within these relationships.
Experimental manipulations further enriched the study’s findings. In these scenarios, participants were asked to imagine relationships characterized by different levels of knowing and being known, including situations where they might feel unknown by a friend or acquaintance. These imagined scenarios allowed the researchers to isolate the effects of subjective knowledge on expected relationship satisfaction, offering a clearer picture of the causal relationships between these variables.
The results showed that across different studies, participants reported higher levels of satisfaction in relationships where they felt known by their partner compared to those where they felt they knew their partner well. This was evident in relationships with siblings, parents, romantic partners, and friends.
“I really liked the way that Adam Grant framed this research when he promoted it on Valentine’s Day,” Schroeder told PsyPost. “It extrapolates a little from the data but gets the idea exactly right. He wrote: ‘It’s good to be interesting. It’s better to be interested. We gravitate toward people who want to understand us. Feeling seen is core to feeling loved.’ I hope that’s the sentiment people take away from this work.”
The researchers explored the underlying reasons why feeling known might be more critical for relationship satisfaction than knowing the other. They hypothesized and found evidence supporting the idea that feeling supported in one’s goals and aspirations could be a key mediator.
The perception of being known lays the groundwork for feeling supported, which in turn, enhances relationship satisfaction. This suggests that the pathway from feeling known to satisfaction is not merely about the knowledge itself but about the emotional and psychological support that perceived knowledge signifies.
Notably, parents did not prioritize feeling known by their children to the same extent as in other relationships. Instead, what mattered most for their satisfaction was how well they knew their child, not how well the child knew them. This finding underscores the unique nature of the parent-child relationship, where the primary expectation and fulfillment come from the parent’s role in offering support, rather than receiving it.
This exception lends credence to the hypothesis that the importance of feeling known for relationship satisfaction is significantly tied to the dynamics of support within the relationship. In relationships where one party is expected to be the primary supporter—such as that between parents and their children—the need to feel known may not be as crucial for satisfaction.
Furthermore, the researchers identified an interesting implication for how individuals approach relationship formation, particularly in the context of online dating. A pilot study on online dating profiles revealed a tendency for individuals to emphasize their desire to be known more than their desire to know their partners.
However, subsequent experiments demonstrated that potential partners found profiles more appealing when they expressed a desire to know the other, suggesting a mismatch between what individuals believe will attract partners and what actually does.
This finding points to a potential obstacle in forming satisfying relationships: individuals may inadvertently prioritize their need to be understood over showing interest in understanding their partners, which could hinder the development of mutually satisfying connections.
“People want to be known, so they’re looking for partners who will know them and support them,” Schroeder explained. “But because other people also want to be known, they end up writing these not-super-appealing profiles when trying to attract partners.”
The study, while extensive, is not without its limitations. It primarily relies on subjective reports of feeling known and knowing, which may not always align with actual knowledge. Additionally, the research focuses on perceived knowledge without delving into the quality or accuracy of that knowledge. Future studies might explore these dimensions to provide a more nuanced understanding of relationship satisfaction.
The study, “Feeling known predicts relationship satisfaction,” was authored by Juliana Schroeder and Ayelet Fishbach.
