New psychology study reveals an intriguing shift in romantic partner comparisons over time

People frequently compare themselves to their romantic partners, but the nature of these comparisons tends to change as relationships mature. New research indicates that people in newer relationships often compare their abilities to gauge whether they are contributing equally, while those in longer relationships tend to compare opinions to foster mutual understanding. The findings were published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

The drive to measure ourselves against others is a basic feature of human psychology. A foundational 1954 theory proposed that people have a fundamental need to evaluate both their personal skills and their beliefs by comparing them to the people around them. Since then, psychological research has shown that these social comparisons often carry emotional weight, particularly when people feel they are falling short. For instance, a study covered by PsyPost in 2017 indicated that college students who believed their peers were doing better socially tended to experience lower life satisfaction and greater loneliness, regardless of their actual social standing.

This competitive edge is especially pronounced when people compare their skills and achievements. A 2017 meta-analysis of comparison research found that evaluating abilities against others is highly prone to triggering feelings of contrast and inadequacy. The question of how these basic psychological drives operate within romantic partnerships has remained less explored. The new study builds on this earlier foundation by examining how the tendency to compare either abilities or opinions shifts over the lifespan of a romantic relationship.

The research, led by Zachary A. Reese, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of San Francisco, sought to identify which individual and relationship characteristics predict different types of partner comparisons. “I’ve heard it said that ‘research is me-search,’ and that definitely resonates with me,” said Reese, who directs the Love and Communication Lab. “I met my husband when we were in college. Over the years, we’ve compared and competed in a million different ways — over who has more friends, better grades, stronger financial prowess.”

“I’ve always been curious about what types of people make these comparisons, and why,” Reese added. “It’s why I went to grad school, it was the focus of my dissertation, and I’m thrilled we were finally able to publish about it.”

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Reese and colleagues analyzed data from three prior online samples, combining the responses of 808 adults who were currently in a romantic relationship. The participants completed surveys assessing how often they compared their own abilities to those of their partners. The researchers also gathered demographic information and assessed relationship characteristics, measuring age, self-esteem, relationship length, and relationship satisfaction.

The scientists also measured closeness by asking participants to select from pairs of overlapping circles that best represented how intertwined their identity was with their partner’s identity.

The results indicated that younger individuals and people with lower self-esteem were more likely to compare their abilities to those of their partners. Participants in newer relationships and those who reported lower relationship satisfaction also tended to make more ability-based comparisons, though overall closeness did not predict these tendencies.

“I think this is a helpful reminder that there’s a lot we’re trying to figure out about life in early adulthood, and one of those things is the value we bring to a romantic relationship,” Reese said. “It can be reassuring to know that, with age, you do seem to gain value in your confidence, and this seems to lead to less evaluative comparison.”

When analyzing demographic factors, the researchers found that men and women in different-gender relationships did not differ in how often they made comparisons. However, a specific pattern emerged for same-gender relationships.

“I always expect gender to matter more than it ever actually does,” Reese told PsyPost. “We did find one really interesting gender matching effect: men in relationships with men reported making more ability-based comparisons than any other gender pairing. But this effect was based on a small sample of only 37 men, so take this finding with a grain of salt.”

To explore why these patterns exist, the authors conducted a second study involving 300 partnered adults recruited through an online research platform. In addition to measuring ability comparisons, this survey included questions about how often participants compared their opinions and attitudes to those of their partners. The researchers also asked participants to describe their motives for making comparisons, using both open-ended responses and standardized rating scales.

The second study replicated several patterns from the first, showing that younger age, lower self-esteem, and shorter relationship duration predicted more frequent ability comparisons. The tendency to compare opinions, however, showed the opposite pattern. Participants in longer, more satisfying, and closer relationships were more inclined to compare their attitudes and judgments with their partners. This suggests that as relationships mature, partners shift from evaluating their relative competence to seeking out each other’s perspectives.

“Our study shows that people in long-lasting, successful relationships compare often,” Reese said. “Not in an evaluative way, like who’s more attractive or makes more money. Rather, they do it in a learning way, like how can I make better judgments and decisions by thinking about what my partner would do?”

When examining motives, the qualitative responses indicated that people compare themselves to their partners for various reasons. Many participants described basic self-evaluation, such as using their partner as a benchmark, or self-improvement, such as observing a partner to learn new skills. A substantial portion of participants also reported using comparisons to monitor relationship equity, essentially checking to see if they were pulling their own weight or if their partner was contributing enough. Others used comparisons to assess the overall stability and trajectory of the relationship.

Quantitative analysis supported these open-ended themes. The data showed that people who frequently compared abilities were also more motivated to assess relationship fairness. A smaller portion of participants reported experiencing involuntary comparisons, where friends or family members pointed out differences between the partners. These involuntary comparisons were also more common among younger people and those in newer relationships.

“People always say that ‘comparison is the thief of joy.’ I think that’s a myopic perspective,” Reese explained. “Comparison can sting in a moment, but in the long run it helps us make decisions and build social worlds that I suspect are much happier.”

“For instance, it may sting learning that you’re not as effective as your partner at soothing your anxious child; but, learning this fact can help us make decisions, like who’s going to offer support in a time of great need,” Reese said. “It can also give us a role model to learn from.”

As with all research, there are some limitations. The study relies on cross-sectional data, meaning the researchers measured all variables at a single point in time. This design makes it impossible to determine the direction of the effects. For instance, having lower self-esteem might drive a person to compare their abilities to their partner, or frequently feeling inadequate compared to a partner might lower a person’s self-esteem. The data cannot establish causality.

The research also relied on self-reported questionnaires, which measure how often people think they compare themselves to their partners rather than tracking their momentary thoughts in daily life. Future studies might use daily diary methods to capture comparisons as they happen in real time. Exploring a wider range of potential motives, including a desire to feel superior to a partner or a need for control, could also provide a more complete picture of how social comparison operates in romantic relationships.

“I want to better understand the affective and relational consequences of partner comparisons,” Reese said, crediting student collaborator Serena D’souza for her work on the project. “How does making these comparisons affect the ways we think about ourselves, our partners, and our relationship? And how do these outcomes differ with respect to other types of relationships?”

The study, “From Insecurity to Inspiration: Predictors of and Motives for Romantic Partner Comparisons,” was authored by Zachary A. Reese, Robin S. Edelstein, and Stephen M. Garcia.