Psychology researchers have determined the best time to text after a first date

An experimental study looking at the optimal time to text a romantic interest after a first date found that texting on the next morning leads to the highest relationship interest. Texting immediately after the date and two days later were less effective. Women were more sensitive to text timing effects than men. The paper was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

First dates are initial encounters between two people expressing romantic interest in each other. During this time, they form their first impressions and assess each other for compatibility as potential mates. Positive experiences on a first date increase the likelihood that communication will continue and that the two people will meet again.

However, after the date is over, one of them has to initiate the continuation of contact by calling or messaging the other person. The precise timing of this continuation is a heavy topic of debate in popular culture. For example, in the TV series “How I Met Your Mother”, one character advises another to follow a “Three-Day Rule,” suggesting that one should wait three days before contacting a date again.

This rule is meant to protect the individual from appearing too eager or needy. On the other hand, waiting too long might leave the impression that the individual is playing hard-to-get, resulting in diminished interest from the potential partner.

Discussions about the optimal timing of a call or text after a first date appear endlessly online. A Google search returns billions of results for “when to text after the first date,” with recommendations ranging from texting immediately to waiting a couple of days before reinitiating contact.

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Study author Lars Teichmann and his colleagues wanted to scientifically explore the optimal time for texting after a first date. They hypothesized that the relationship between the time of texting and the relationship intentions of the date would have the shape of an inverted U. In other words, they expected there to be an ideal “sweet spot” for texting that would maximize a date’s relationship intentions, while texting before or after this ideal time would be associated with worse outcomes.

The authors also wanted to explore the psychological mechanisms underlying this effect, and whether gender, attachment style, and uncertainty avoidance moderate it. For example, the study authors wanted to test if delaying a text would lead individuals to think more about their date (and perceive them as having a higher “mate value”) compared to a situation where the date texts immediately.

The researchers first conducted a pre-study to decide which timepoints to include in the main experiment. Participants were 100 U.S. and U.K. adults recruited via Prolific, with an average age of 38. They were asked to indicate what would be considered ‘too soon’ and ‘too late’ for a date to text. On average, participants reported the highest relationship intentions towards potential partners who texted about 6 hours after the date. Texting less than 20 minutes after the date was deemed too soon, while texting later than 40 hours after the date was viewed as too late.

Participants for the main experiment were 543 heterosexual individuals from the U.S. and U.K., also recruited via Prolific. Their average age was 40 years, and roughly half were women.

In an online questionnaire, study participants read a fictional scenario of a first date involving a dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. After the date, depending on the experimental group they were randomly assigned to, the scenario stated that their date either texted them immediately after saying goodbye, texted them on the next morning, or texted them after two days. (To isolate the effect of timing, the actual content of the text message was kept hidden).

Study participants then reported their relationship intentions towards the date (“I am willing to form a long-term relationship with my date”), how much chemistry they perceived, and how motivated they were to get in touch with the date again.

They also reported their perceptions of their own relative mate value (“Overall, how would members of the opposite sex rate your level of desirability as a partner compared to your date?”), the neediness of their date, reciprocity (“My date really liked me”), and the perceived reliability of their date. Finally, participants completed assessments of their own attachment style and uncertainty avoidance.

The results supported the researchers’ “inverted-U” hypothesis: texting on the morning after the date resulted in the highest relationship intentions. Those who received the text immediately after the date reported slightly lower relationship intentions, while those who received a text two days later reported the lowest relationship intentions of all.

When it came to perceived chemistry and the motivation to actually meet up again, the results showed a negative linear trend. Participants who received a text immediately or on the next morning felt high levels of chemistry and motivation, while waiting two days significantly killed the romantic vibe.

By analyzing the psychological mechanisms, the researchers discovered why the next morning worked best. Texting early (immediately or the next morning) signaled high reciprocity (showing the person they are liked) and high reliability. Conversely, the “play hard to get” strategy completely failed: waiting two days did not make the sender look more valuable, nor did it make the receiver think about them more. It simply made them look unreliable and uninterested.

As expected, dates who texted immediately were perceived as highly needy. However, while this neediness prevented them from hitting the optimal “sweet spot” of the next morning, it didn’t completely ruin their chances either.

Overall, men had a higher baseline motivation to meet up again and build a relationship than women, and men were far less affected by the timing of the text. Women, however, were highly sensitive to the timing. Interestingly, while gender played a major role in how the text timing was perceived, the researchers found that a participant’s attachment style and uncertainty avoidance had no moderating effect on the results whatsoever.

“Our data suggest that while texting early is beneficial, delaying the text until the next morning not only maintains the positive effects of being perceived as interested and reliable but also enhances relationship intentions of the target. Waiting for too long, however, exerts detrimental, backfiring effects,” the study authors concluded.

The study contributes to the scientific understanding of the psychological dynamics of dating. However, it should be noted that participants responded to fictional scenarios. Behaviors in real-world circumstances—where the actual content, tone, and emoji-use of a text message are visible—might alter these dynamics. Additionally, dating behaviors rely heavily on cultural norms, meaning findings in non-Western cultures might differ.

The paper, “How the timing of texting triggers romantic interest after the first date: A curvilinear U-shaped effect and its underlying mechanisms,” was authored by Lars Teichmann, Hannes M. Petrowsky, Lea Boecker, Meikel Soliman, and David D. Loschelder.