Struggling to find “the one”? A new psychology study says the problem might be your underlying motivation

A new study finds that the reasons single people want a relationship shape both the type of partnership they seek and whether they achieve their dating goals. Individuals driven by a genuine desire for connection tend to focus on relationship quality, while those driven by social pressure or a need for validation often prioritize simply finding a partner, which can hinder their progress. The research was published in Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Self-determination theory is a psychological framework for understanding human motivation. It suggests that our reasons for doing things exist on a spectrum, ranging from actions we take for pure enjoyment to actions we take because we feel forced or pressured. Historically, psychological research has shown that the internal drive behind our actions matters just as much as the actions themselves. For instance, a 2004 study demonstrated that why someone chases an objective and what that objective actually is are two distinct forces that shape their overall well-being.

Building on this idea, a 2008 study found that people tend to make far more headway on goals they truly care about than on goals driven by guilt or social pressure. Recently, scientists began applying this concept specifically to single people and dating. In fact, a 2025 study introduced a framework to measure internal versus external motivations for dating, noting that a person’s inner drive makes them more likely to find a partner. This framework aligns with a study covered by PsyPost in 2026, which found that emotional fulfillment strongly motivates the pursuit of long-term relationships.

The new study builds on this lineage to see how singles’ core motivations dictate the exact goals they set and whether they achieve them over time. “Previous work suggests that the average single person desires to partner, but it was unclear to us what exactly it is that single people desire from these relationships, if they desire one at all,” said study author Laura Hawkins, a second-year PhD student in psychology at the University of Toronto.

“In other words, what are their goals for romantic partnership?” The research uses this motivational framework to categorize why single people might want a relationship.

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These categories include intrinsic motivation, which means enjoying relationships for what they are, and identified motivation, which means personally valuing partnership. They also include introjected motivation, which involves acting to avoid guilt or to boost self-worth, and external motivation, which involves acting due to social pressure. Finally, the researchers measured amotivation, which refers to a complete lack of desire or intention to seek a partner.

To understand how these motivations operate in the real world, the researchers recruited 4,019 single adults between the ages of 18 and 39. Participants completed a baseline survey that measured their motivations for wanting a romantic relationship. They were also asked to write out up to three personal relationship goals for the upcoming six months.

The research team read through the roughly 12,000 written goals and categorized them into 41 distinct themes. These themes included things like going on dates, improving finances, remaining single, or building intimacy. Six months later, 3,176 of the original participants returned for a follow-up survey. They reviewed the goals they had written down previously and rated their progress on a scale from zero to 100 percent. On average, participants reported a 41.7 percent completion rate across their goals.

The results indicate that singles who were intrinsically motivated or had identified motivation set goals focused on high-quality connections. Intrinsically motivated singles had a higher likelihood of setting goals to have fun, build emotional intimacy, and enter a healthy relationship. Identified motivation was linked to seeking committed, long-term partnerships. Both of these groups were far less likely to say their main goal was to remain single.

People driven by a need for self-affirmation or a fear of failure displayed a very different pattern. Singles with this introjected motivation focused more on securing a relationship than on the quality of that connection. They were more likely to set goals to go on dates, have sex, socialize, or improve their physical attractiveness and self-confidence.

At the same time, introjected singles were less likely to prioritize building intimacy, sharing a home, or having a healthy relationship. Interestingly, introjected motivation was also linked to making less progress on relationship goals over the six-month period.

“You would think that entering a relationship is easier than entering a quality relationship,” Hawkins said. “But one finding that surprised me was that singles who simply wanted to enter a relationship (irrespective of quality) actually made less progress on this goal.”

“Although we can’t be sure, we think part of the reason this may be is because these singles are fundamentally pursuing partnership to improve their self-image, which may hinder their ability to build a romantic connection,” she continued. “So, in an ironic twist of fate, the reason they want a relationship may actually be driving potential partners away.”

External motivation, or dating to appease others, was mainly linked to the goal of going on dates. Amotivation was strongly associated with a desire to remain single or setting no relationship goals at all. When evaluating their success six months later, amotivated singles reported the highest amount of progress among all the groups.

“Not every single wants to partner!” Hawkins pointed out. “In fact, our data suggests singles who did not want to partner were not necessarily relationally avoidant, but rather, actively pursuing singlehood.”

These findings are in line with research covered by PsyPost last year. That earlier study, which looked at whether singles actually entered a relationship rather than the specific goals they set, similarly found that autonomous motives support positive romantic outcomes while introjected motives and a lack of motivation do not.

As with all research, there are a few things to keep in mind. The researchers did not test whether these patterns look different depending on a person’s age, gender, sexual orientation, or cultural background, which could change how people approach dating. The measurement of goal progress also relied entirely on self-reports, which might contain subjective biases.

Additionally, the structural nature of the goals varied wildly from person to person. For example, staying single is an objective a person can accomplish all on their own. Finding a healthy, long-term romantic relationship requires the cooperation of another person. Because of this, the high reported success rate of amotivated singles might simply reflect that it is easier to achieve the goal of staying single than the goal of finding a compatible partner.

“As a singlehood researcher I often get asked ‘how do I find “the one”?'” Hawkins noted. “Our data suggests that answer might lie inwards. Simply put, why you want to become partnered shapes the quality (or lack thereof) of the romantic relationship you seek.”

The study, “Does Why You Want Partnership Shape What You Want? A Self-Determination Perspective on Singles’ Relationship Goals,” was authored by Laura Hawkins, Serena Thapar, Will Ryan, and Geoff MacDonald.