New research published in the Journal of Sex Research explored the relationship between why midlife couples engage in sex and their sexual satisfaction. The findings indicate that partners who have sex out of feelings of obligation are less satisfied than those who do not. But those who thought they were “doing something nice” for their partner were as satisfied as those who engaged in sex for pleasure. This study suggests that the perspective one takes when engaging in sex for the partner’s benefit has consequences for one’s sexual satisfaction.
Maintaining sexual satisfaction can be difficult, particularly in midlife marriages, where it tends to decrease. One factor that affects sexual satisfaction is sexual motivation, which can be divided into approach and avoidance goals.
Prior research indicates that if someone engages in sex for approach goals (such as physical pleasure), they tend to experience positive emotions, increased sexual desire, and improved sexual and relationship satisfaction. On the other hand, if someone engages in sex for avoidance goals (such as to avoid relationship conflict), they tend to experience negative emotions, conflicts in the relationship, and decreased sexual and relationship satisfaction.
An adjacent factor to approach and avoidance motivation is obligation. Obligation refers to the perception of having a duty to engage in sexual activity, even without sexual desire. For middle-aged adults in long-term relationships, sexual obligation may be more common due to physical and relational changes that come with age and life stages, which can decrease sexual desire.
Furthermore, responsibilities from work, parenting, and caring for aging parents can add stress, which may lead to less time for sexual relationships. Sexual difficulties, specifically a decline in sexual desire, are prevalent among middle-aged adults, particularly women. Therefore, obligation could be a significant reason for sexual activity among middle-aged adults in long-term relationships. Understanding sexual motivation, including the role of obligation, can help individuals and couples enhance their sexual experiences.
In their study, Monika Georgieva and colleagues intended to examine how the reasons for engaging in sexual activities impact the level of satisfaction in the marriage of Canadian men and women aged 40 to 59. Using the research survey platform Qualtrics, 599 individuals responded to various questions assessing aspects of their sexual relationship.
Specifically, the survey gathered data on participants’ reasons for their last sexual encounter, relationship satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, and sexual desire. The collected data revealed that participants most commonly reported wanting to express love, experiencing sexual pleasure, feeling sexually aroused, and being attracted to their partner as reasons for having sex. On the other hand, reasons such as obligation and doing something nice for one’s partner were less frequently mentioned.
“Interestingly, few men reported sex for obligation reasons, and as such, we defer to the descriptive findings on men’s reasons for sex,” the researchers wrote. “Only 5 of 275 men endorsed obligation as a reason for sex. It is noteworthy in and of itself that married men’s reasons for sex can largely be captured by love, pleasure, and arousal. Less than half the number of women (compared to men, 21.9% vs. 45.5%) in this sample reported having sex because they were aroused.”
The study found that women who engaged in sexual activities out of obligation had lower levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction. However, women who had sex to do something nice for their partner did not show any significant difference in satisfaction levels compared to those who did not mention this reason.
The research team acknowledged some limitations of the study. The data was collected through self-report; subjects may have wanted their sex lives to appear thriving, even if they were not. The research was cross-sectional and longitudinal data is needed to understand the direction of the effects. Finally, there are many complex reasons people engage in sexual behavior, and this study only investigated a few.
The study’s results align with existing research on approach and avoidance goals, as well as sexual communal strength, indicating that having positive relational reasons for sex or being responsive to a partner’s needs can have a neutral or positive impact on both sexual and relationship satisfaction. Furthermore, performing sexual acts to benefit a partner can help maintain a relationship over time.
This study is unique because it focuses on midlife adults, a demographic often overlooked in sexual motivation research that usually centers on young adults and undergraduates. Additionally, the study highlights that women may feel obligated to have sex more often than men.
“Our research, and that of others, indicates that though engaging in sexual activity in order to avoid conflict (or out of feelings of obligation) may appear to provide short-term benefit, over time, these behaviors can have adverse relational and sexual effects,” the researchers concluded.
The study, “Motives between the sheets: Understanding obligation for sex at midlife and associations with sexual and relationship satisfaction,” was authored by Monika Georgieva, Robin R. Milhausen and Christopher Quinn-Nilas.
