Gratitude and forgiveness appear to soften loneliness’ blow to marriage satisfaction

Feelings of loneliness can negatively impact a marriage, but a recent study suggests that certain positive traits can help protect the relationship from these harmful effects. Researchers discovered that when spouses are grateful and forgiving, the negative impact of loneliness on their marital relationship weakens. However, these qualities did not seem to lessen the negative effects of loneliness on the couple’s sexual relationship. The findings were published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.

Previous studies have shown that feeling lonely, even within a marriage, can harm both the overall relationship and the sexual connection between partners. Loneliness is not just about being physically alone; it is a subjective feeling of isolation, even when surrounded by others. This feeling has been linked to poorer mental and physical health, and it can also create problems in romantic relationships.

While being in a committed relationship often reduces loneliness, it is still possible to experience these feelings within a marriage. The research team was interested in exploring whether gratitude and forgiveness, known to have positive effects in relationships, could lessen the negative influence of loneliness on marital well-being. They wanted to see if these qualities could help couples maintain a strong relationship, even when one or both partners felt lonely.

Chelom Leavitt (@drchelomleavitt), an associate professor at Brigham Young University and lead author of the new study, was inspired to investigate this after the outbreak of COVID-19. “It began in the pandemic when I was more attuned to people’s comments about being lonely,” she explained. “I wrote a blog on it, and it went viral. I thought, ‘This has touched a nerve, and we need to explore this.’”

The researchers used data from a large, ongoing study called CREATE, which collects information from newly married couples across the United States. This study includes a representative sample of couples who were recently married. For this specific research, the team analyzed data from 1,614 heterosexual couples who had participated. The couples had completed questionnaires as part of the larger study. The researchers focused on data collected at one point in time, specifically from the fourth wave of data collection, which occurred between June 2019 and February 2020.

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In the questionnaires, couples answered questions about their feelings of loneliness, their ability to forgive their partner, how often they expressed gratitude towards their partner, their overall satisfaction with their relationship, and the harmony in their sexual relationship.

The study revealed that loneliness was generally linked to lower relationship satisfaction and sexual harmony for both husbands and wives. This means that when either spouse felt lonely, both their own and their partner’s satisfaction with the relationship tended to be lower.

However, the researchers found that gratitude and forgiveness did indeed play a role in weakening the negative impact of loneliness on relationship satisfaction. When wives reported higher levels of forgiveness and gratitude, the negative link between their loneliness and their own relationship satisfaction was less strong. The same was true for husbands: their gratitude and forgiveness lessened the negative effect of their loneliness on their own relationship satisfaction.

Interestingly, the husband’s forgiveness also had a small positive impact on the wife’s relationship satisfaction when he was lonely. This suggests that a husband’s forgiving attitude can benefit his wife’s relationship satisfaction, even when he is feeling lonely.

“Loneliness is real and something that a lot of us deal with,” Leavitt told PsyPost. “However, we don’t have to just be victims of it. We can take a proactive stance and invest in our well-being by practicing a little more gratitude and forgiveness with ourselves and our partners. I am a big mindfulness researcher, and I love the idea that how we think about our life circumstances is quite powerful.”

However, the study found no evidence that gratitude or forgiveness lessened the negative impact of loneliness on sexual harmony. Even when spouses were grateful and forgiving, loneliness still seemed to negatively affect their sexual relationship. This suggests that while gratitude and forgiveness can protect the overall marital relationship from the damaging effects of loneliness, they might not be enough to safeguard the sexual aspect of the relationship.

“I was disappointed but also understood that being forgiving and grateful didn’t improve the sexual relationship,” Leavitt said. “However, it’s quite understandable. Sex is a powerful interaction, and being forgiving and grateful may not be enough to overcome the lonely feelings we experience. That may require some additional work through therapy and intimate conversation between partners.”

As with all research, there are a few limitations to consider. The sample consisted of young, newly married heterosexual couples, which might limit how broadly the findings can be applied to other groups, such as older couples, same-sex couples, or unmarried couples. Because the couples were early in their marriages, they might have been experiencing fewer serious relationship problems compared to couples married for longer. Additionally, the study looked at data from one point in time, so it cannot show cause and effect.

“Our sample was pretty happy despite loneliness,” Leavitt noted. “These findings may not hold true in more serious situations. So always seek help if you feel that you need more support. We are doing a follow-up study looking at how mindfulness and sexual mindfulness may also help buffer this negative pattern between loneliness and sexual and relational well-being.”

“Obstacles and conflict in our lives are often an opportunity for us to examine deeper meanings and elements of ourselves and our partners,” she added. “Conflict is an opportunity for deeper intimacy.”

The study, “Loneliness Within a Romantic Relationship: Do Gratitude and Forgiveness Moderate Between Loneliness and Relational and Sexual Well-Being?,” was authored by Chelom E. Leavitt, Amber A. Price, Naomi F. Inman, McKayla Lee, AnnMarie Sandridge, Zoie Harrison, Alyssa L. Brown, Jeremy B. Yorgason, and Erin K. Holmes.