The psychology of simping: Fear of being single drives men to engage in obsessive romantic pursuit

Men who engage in excessive and obsessive romantic gestures toward unreciprocated interests are largely driven by an underlying fear of remaining single. A recent psychological investigation identified the key behaviors associated with the modern colloquial term “simping” and found that this dating strategy is highly sensitive to a person’s anxiety over their relationship status. These findings were published in the Journal of Personality.

In recent years, internet culture popularized the concept of “simps” to describe men who display extravagant or costly dedication to a romantic prospect. These men will often shower a target with unreciprocated affection, expensive gifts, or endless attention. They differ from universally supportive partners because their actions go far beyond ordinary warmth, often resembling obsessive relational intrusion.

A team of psychological researchers led by Daniel Ho at Singapore Management University sought to understand what motivates this extreme romantic pursuit. They wanted to test the notion that this behavior stems from evolutionary pressures conflicting with a modern dating environment.

Throughout human history, men have typically acted as the initiators in courtship. Women face higher biological costs associated with childbearing and raising offspring. As a result of these ancestral conditions, women historically preferred partners who could provide reliable resources and commit to their long-term survival.

According to a concept called evolutionary mismatch, modern technology introduces a vastly expanded dating market that our brains are not adapted to navigate. Instead of competing with a few local peers, people now face an almost limitless pool of potential rivals online.

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This mismatch places intense competitive pressure on men. Skills focused on flirting and persuasive courtship are newly required to stand out in a globalized arena. At the same time, shifting economic independence among women has raised the baseline standards for male partners.

The researchers suspected that some men use excessive displays of commitment as a compensatory strategy. If a man feels he lacks what researchers call “mate value,” which refers to his overall desirability based on traits like physical attractiveness and social status, he might pour excessive time and money into a romantic interest to make up for those perceived shortcomings.

Ho and his colleagues also theorized that anxieties about modern singlehood could serve as the emotional engine behind these extreme behaviors. Society often stigmatizes single people, and men face intense pressure from peers and family to secure a partner.

To explore this phenomenon empirically, the researchers designed a series of three studies. The first act of the investigation focused on defining what specific actions characterize this modern dating trope.

They recruited a group of 116 adult participants to generate open-ended descriptions of these types of behaviors. Then, a second group of 299 participants rated how accurately these descriptions captured the target concept.

The team found that the behaviors predictably fell into two main categories: excessiveness and obsessiveness. Excessive behaviors included spending massive amounts of money or offering constant flattery. Obsessive behaviors involved fixating on the person, becoming overly defensive of them, and idolizing them.

Outside observers generally perceived individuals who act this way as having low self-esteem and lacking a strong personal identity. Observers also viewed them as relatively undesirable romantic partners.

With a working definition established, the researchers conducted a second study involving 200 men to uncover the underlying psychological predictors. Participants answered questionnaires assessing their perceived attractiveness, social dominance, romantic experiences, and their own tendencies to engage in excessive pursuit behaviors.

They also completed a survey measuring their fear of being single. This scale asked participants to rate their agreement with statements regarding their distress about aging without a partner, such as fearing there might not be anyone out there for them.

Self-reported physical attractiveness, social status, and overall mate value did not actually predict a man’s likelihood of engaging in these behaviors. Instead, a fear of being single emerged as the strongest psychological predictor.

Men who reported higher levels of anxiety about never finding a partner were much more likely to report a history of engaging in these obsessive and excessive romantic overtures. They also exhibited lower emotional stability in general personality assessments.

To rule out alternative explanations and establish causality, the researchers conducted a third experiment with 584 single men. They wanted to see if temporarily increasing a person’s fear of singlehood would trigger a stronger desire to engage in excessive courtship.

The researchers asked half of the men to read and reflect on a hypothetical scenario designed to evoke feelings of loneliness. The story described attending a close friend’s wedding alone, surrounded by happy couples, and facing the daunting prospect of going home to an empty apartment.

The other half read a neutral control scenario about attending a wedding but enjoying the social connections and looking forward to an active weekend with friends.

The manipulation actively influenced the participants’ mindsets. Men exposed to the negative singlehood scenario reported a temporary spike in their fear of remaining single compared to the control group.

When subsequently asked about their dating strategies, men in the negative scenario group who already had a current romantic interest expressed a higher tendency to engage in excessive pursuit behaviors toward that person.

Those without a specific romantic target did not show this effect. This suggests that the anxiety of being alone only translates into extreme romantic behavior when there is an available target to actively pursue.

The researchers noted a few limitations in their investigation. While the studies focused mostly on men due to traditional gender roles in courtship initiation, women also experience severe singlehood anxiety and face dating pressures.

Future research should investigate whether women display similar patterns of behavior under pressure, or if their compensatory strategies look different. Women might engage in actions focused more on appearance enhancement or emotional labor rather than excessive financial investment.

Additionally, the experimental prompt used to induce singlehood fears might have simply generated a broadly negative mood. Future studies could include emotional assessments to isolate the exact feelings driving the behavior, rather than general sadness.

The scientists also offered interpretations for why self-perceived mate value did not predict the behavior in the second study. They proposed that these men might struggle to accurately judge their own desirability, possibly viewing themselves through a biased, overly positive lens.

Alternatively, the behavior might be driven by the gap in attractiveness between the pursuer and the target, rather than the pursuer’s baseline attractiveness. A highly desirable man might still act obsessively if he pursues a woman he perceives as vastly out of his league.

Finally, the researchers questioned whether these extravagant dating strategies ever actually work in the real world. While society often views unreciprocated devotion negatively, excessive persistence might occasionally succeed if a target places a high priority on absolute dedication.

The study, “The (Simp)le Truth About Excessive and Obsessive Romantic Behaviors in Men,” was authored by Daniel Ho, Kenneth Tan, Norman P. Li, and Lester Sim.